One of the worst parts about spinning out of control is the fear of losing everything you have struggled so hard to accomplish and overcome. It feels like this terrible slide backwards….. Well not a slide…. it is more like being caught in a landslide where everything is out of control and dragging you down. All aspects of life become unbearable at times. And you are constantly trying to grab hold of things and stabilize them. But you can’t, because everyhing feels like it is slipping away.
I often have this powerful urge to just lash out and destroy. If I can not control the chaos maybe I can revel in it. Maybe I can move with it instead of trying to force my way against it. This would be great if there was a place, time or situation where that was possible. But in the past this meant losing things I had worked on or for because I would just smash…. the NEED to SMASH… to tear apart… to destroy…. and it is not even the things that you destroy. What you want to do is destroy the chaos. May the physical excertion of it will help.
But it is all flying downhill…. you want to get off the ride. You can to go back to the manic parts where you are hyper productive, or super upbeat, or even sad and meloncholy…. but you can’t get off the ride… The inability to control. I keep trying to get on top of things but as I do more things slip. I have bathed once in the lsat 3 weeks. All of a sudden my dishes are piled up… I hate when that happens. I need an oil change but cannot bring myself to wait for it to happen.
I really want to do a good job at work but I just sit there like a nut case, pulling at my hair, feeling twitchy. Having moments of clarity then them become just out of reach. I keep manically building pedals…. none are complete. I really need to sell a few.
I have so many ideas on what I would like to do with them… with the site. New circuits I would like to create. My own PCB’s I would like to design and debug.
How do you explain to people who may not understand what it is like to go crazy…. and that it is only temporary…. I don’t know how long it will take… I will be back to “normal”…. or at least to the longer periods of productivity that I have in my life.
It just really sucks going from someone that is highly productive and accomplished to someone that is curled up in the fetal position trying to suppress then rage, self hate, loathing, and despair that comes with riding this ride.
I’ve worked so hard…. I do it mostly alone as well. I do not want to lose where I have been able to get myself. But right now…… right now I just want to get off the ride. It is making me feel sick. I am going to have so much work to do when it is over just to get to where I was 3 months ago.