One of the things that sucks the most when I am cycling is panic attacks.

I am in the middle of one right now. It feels like my heart is not beating correctly. Like an electric shock is coursing through my body and that it is doing me harm. I know that this is not happening, but the first time, I thought I was having a heart attack. I mean… something must be wrong. No one should feel like this and actually be ok.

But it is just my body and my brain chemistry fucking with me.

You nave trouble thinking. Stringing coherent thoughts together is really hard. No less trying to do some work, which is what I should be doing now.

I have found that trying to type out what I am going through sometimes helps… so does a Xanax. But I hate when I am forced to take a Xanax because it leaves me feeling foggy.

This is not something that I suffer all the time. I go years without having one. I almost forget what they are like. Then one day, I will be working on something and BAM, you are having a heart attack. Check the pulse…. calm…. that doesn’t make sense. Not only calm but calm and steady.

Oh. I know what this is… fuck this…. I have things I want to get done.

Sorry, it is taking me a while between sentences because I am having trouble thinking. I find myself rocking in my seat. Sort of like trying to sooth a child, or maybe a caged lion pacing in its cage. I think panic attacks are one of the worst things about my cycle. You feel really vulnerable. It feels weak. I mean, how can I know what is going on and have no control over it?

This is one of those things where you get me the whole, “Get control over yourself!”, “What is wrong with you?”, “Why don’t you just do as you are told?”, “You are so lazy.”, and my favorite, “There is nothing wrong with you”.

This is when I end up SCREAMING for them to leave me alone. It is not a permenant thing. It will go away. But every 7 years or so I lose control of my calm. I lose my ability to work at the level that I am used to.

Again, I feel weak, like a loser. Like I should be able to just “buck up” and get things done. It is hard to explain that I am incapable of working like I did 3 months ago…. but it will end. I will be back to normal.

Shit, I am sick of losing everything when this happens. If I can make it through this where I left off, without having lost a job or a partner or a home, I can continue to improve my life and not have to rebuild.

That is the fear. You work hard and struggle to get where you are. Then this damn disease makes you a crazy person and you lose it all just to have to rebuild again after a year or two.

That is if you have not lost the will to do so completely.